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A Letter To My Best Friend

A Letter To My Best Friend

Dear Best Friend,

I have received sad news that your injuries are fatal and only have48 hours left to live.

So before, you go, I want to tell you all of the things I should have said or wish I said.

Things I wish I did or didn’t do.

I want to tell you everything before I won’t get the chance again.

Before, we met, I saw you a few times and thought to myself you are someone I would love to meet.

One day we bumped into each other on the bus.

You told me you had a recent career change and would be taking the bus, and it happen to be the same route I would take to work daily.

So, we spoke.

We casually would see each other on the bus ride and would sit next to each other.

It started as a friendly hello. Then it quickly became more. We started to talk about everything. You happen to be spiritual and so was I.

So naturally, we spoke about a wide range of topics.

I loved our conversations because they were different.

There was something about our talks that made a deep and lasting impression on me.

I wasn’t really sure what it was at the time.

It started off very great I love our conversations and enjoyed seeing you on the bus ride every day.

In fact, I looked forward to riding the bus just so I can talk to you it became the best part of my day.

Not the work, not what I did when I got home, but getting on that bus ride to see you and talk to you.

As we continued to talk you and I decided to get experimental…

What first started out as a friendly game, became, something we both ended up regretting.

We played this game where we would mirror each other’s reality and see if we could guess the sort of reality the other one was living.

It was very fun at first because it was a deep connection like no other.

But, then the separation of what was the game, and what was real became a blur.

It started to become very difficult to know when we were playing the game or when we were talking.

Next thing we could be talking and I would get triggered because it hit a sensitive part of my being.

I would get so triggered and upset I decided to mirror your sensitive parts as well.

We would have these very long-lasting arguments for months.

What started out as a friendly game, became one trigger after the next, leading to the death of our relationship.

While I was getting triggered, I could not see you in the same way because the feelings were replaced with whatever triggered me at the time.

This would last for several months.

Then I would realize, there was another way of seeing this.

And then we would make up.

And then you would trigger me again.

And the same cycle continued again.

So it was only natural, that I started hating getting on the bus that I used to love and look forward to.

It would be the start of these very intense debates that had no clear winner, and no one was going to win the game.

So like I said the blur between what was the game and what was a real sort of became very confusing.

It became hard to know when you were role-playing.

You also didn’t know when I was role-playing, triggered, or whatever.

Eventually, you decided to play a prank on me in front of your friends.

For you, it was an innocent little prank.

For me, it was a threat to my pride.

You brought your friends on the bus ride one day, to show them the nature of our relationship.

For you it was cute and it was a friendship for you.

For me, it meant you were embarrassing me, shaming me, humiliating me, belittling me, etc.

I got off the bus that day, and said to never come way again!

You were hurt and a bit confused.

You didn’t understand my reaction.

You didn’t have evil intentions it was just something you were doing for fun at the time.

Well, years went by, and we stopped seeing each other for some time.

What became the most enjoyable friendship became the biggest and most heartbreaking friendship I ever had.

It took me a while to get over the pain of the relationship, but eventually, I had to forgive.

You see it’s not because I hated you for what happened it was because I really loved what we had. I had felt betrayed in a lot of ways.

You called me one day, and told me you had 48 hours left to live.

I already have forgiven you before the phone call, so I decided to stop by because this would be the last times I would see you.

So we spoke.

It was a little awkward at first.

The tension was pretty strong initially.

But, after breaking the ice, we continued where we left off before.

And you asked me what happened? Why did you run away from what we had?

You know if I had to go back in time with the perspective I have now I would do things differently.

I had never had a friendship like ours before.

I was afraid I was going to mess it up or ruin it in some way.

I was afraid if you saw the weak parts of me you wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore.

Afterall, I am a ‘man’.

Men have a burden to perform.

We men have to know how to handle stuff, and always be in control.

We are not really allowed to be weak or lose control otherwise we are devalued and seen as weak men.

It’s not that I ‘couldn’t’ open up.

It’s that I didn’t want to open up for fear it would ruin the relationship.

I took a lot of things personally when things weren’t intended to be disrespectful.

I saw disrespect in a lot of places where that probably wasn’t your intention.

In your own way, you were communicating something to me.

Whether it was playful, trying to show me something, etc.

So once the relationship became difficult, it became difficult for me to stay in it.

A lot of it had to do with my pride and ego.

Some of it was my fears.

But the biggest one was I didn’t want to lose our relationship.

So when things started getting revealed it only made me lose confidence in the relationship.

Which, I could imagine now that was your way of trying to make connection.

I didn’t feel it that way.

I felt it was a threat to my ego and also a power play.

I was also not responding not in a way to maintain the relationship.

So maybe you were being a little devious or childish that day.

I didn’t have to take it as personally as I did.

And I started to realize this.

Most of your intentions were not bad, a lot of the things you did I still disagree with, but I didn’t need to over-react the way I did.

I ran away from the relationship we had instead of working it out.

This relationship was different for me.

For most, I could reveal anything or be vulnerable and open up.

But, in this relationship, I didn’t want to say or do the wrong thing.

I didn’t want to risk looking weak.

I didn’t want to risk not knowing what to do.

I didn’t want to risk my faults being revealed.

Not because I care about people knowing my flaws.

But because I was afraid it would ruin the relationship if they were exposed.

Naturally, you did a lot of things that required a high degree of honesty.

Which only threatens my place in the relationship.

I could open up and risk the relationship.

Or, not and maintain the relationship.

I don’t think you see what kind of position you were putting me at the time.

You were forcing me to play a very risky game.

Like I said I don’t think your intentions were bad per se, but they definitely wouldn’t be what I would describe as socially intelligent.

Looking back you were actually trying to deepen our relationship.

But, you also didn’t know what kind of position you were putting me in.

In the real world, this degree of vulnerability is perceived as weak.

Most people cannot handle a completely transparent relationship like you were looking for.

Eventually time went by.

Months went by.

And none of my concerns and what I thought was a big deal were really a big deal.

I ended up losing our relationship anyhow because of my pride, ego, and fear of losing the relationship.

So I look back and wish I had taken things less personal.

I look back and wish I was less prideful.

I look back and I wish I was less fearful.

And, I look at you now, and I wish I could do it all over again.

Because, you were my best friend.

I had spent years being mad and bitter.

If I was just able to forgive sooner a lot of damage could have been prevented and healed.

You became my best friend to someone I wanted to see be destroyed.

And here you are with 48 hours left.

And, I wish, I had chosen to do things differently then.

This news was a wake-up call to me and reminded me just how important you were to me.

A lot of the drama, I took so seriously before, was pointless.

I wish I was more fearless at the time.

I also look back, to the times you were hurting.

On the surface, you were complaining and attacking me.

Which I interpreted as disrespectful.

But, now I realize they were your way of asking for help.

You were stressful sometimes, and you took it out on me.

But, I wish, I had realized it before.

You were hurting and you needed me to be there for you.

I am sorry.

I wish I could go back and do it differently.

You were my best friend, and when you leave this earth, you will still have a special place in my heart.

I may never meet someone like you again.

With all your flaws and drama, you were still my friend I loved.

Thank you for all the good times we shared.

Please forgive me for what I did and didn’t do.

I am sorry

And I love you then, I love you now, and I will love you even when you leave this earth.