Are you in a relationship with a narcissist?
Is there anything you can do to make the relationship work?
Being in a relationship with a narcissist is incredibly difficult and draining.
My first question is why you are in a relationship with a narcissist?
Making the relationship work is not exactly how I would put it, I would say you can smoothen it up a bit to make it more tolerable.
Before we go forward, I want you to consider:
- Do you really want to make the relationship work no matter how difficult it is?
- Are your expectations and hopes for the relationships practical and realistic?
- Do you see a future in the relationship?
- Is it worth it for you to stay in the relationship?
- Can you leave the relationship?
If you are staying in this relationship by choice just know it is going to be a very bumpy road ahead.
First, you have to be emotionally stable enough to support two people(you and them).
You will be doing double work to cater to their every need while having to cater to your own needs.
You will have to be comfortable alone, and find ways to meet your own needs.
The narcissist’s main concern is with their own needs, their feelings, their thoughts, and everything is about themselves(selfish).
They can be charming, and even demonstrate great human qualities, but it is very short lasted because it is a facade they created to imitate human behavior and functionality.
The narcissist has essentially copied what they perceive as humane characteristics and imitated for them to use and interact with others.
But, it isn’t authentic because it’s not really who they really are, and so they may act like a normal human but the emotions are not present because their actions are not genuine.
Most of the time your interactions with them would be you catering to their needs like a parent taking care of a child.
They are very likened to a child who hasn’t fully grown up yet, with, a very overinflated ego.
And you will have to placate them most of the time stuffing down your personal interest, desires, and feelings aside.
Since they are mainly concerned with their own needs, they don’t actually comprehend that you may have needs of your own, but, so long as they are getting their needs met they are satisfied.
It is a very one-directional relationship, going in their direction.
Most humans are mutually reciprocal, the narcissist doesn’t understand what this means.
They may logically “get it” but will never do it in the relationship because their concern is with their needs first and if you are lucky your needs sometimes.
Understanding something and doing something are two different things.
People tend to assume when you understand something that you also do it, but I have met PLENTY of people who say one thing and do the opposite literally within minutes.
Most people when they feel love they will often return it.
This is what normal healthy people do.
But, a narcissist doesn’t care about your needs, it’s not important to them, perhaps they lack empathy and emotional intelligence to understand how people feel, and have wants-needs of their own.
There is one way you can break the barrier they are holding in their hearts, and that is to give them unconditional love and teach them to love themselves.
A narcissist secretly craves love,(and pushes it away) they really want to be seen for the person they are.
They have protected their ego, with defense mechanism to prevent them from being hurt. Most people do this, but this is more so with a narcissist.
Most people can take some criticism a narcissist is super sensitive to anything that can damage their ego, sense of self, and love for themselves.
On one hand, they crave love and desire to be seen for who they really are, on the other hand, they push people away and don’t allow themselves to receive what they desire(self-sabotage).
It’s a never-ending cycle with them.
Why is this so hard for them?
They are afraid to be vulnerable.
Rejection is one of the scariest things for a narcissist.
If you reject them, it feels very much like death for them.
It means they are not worthy, they are not special, not capable of receiving love.
In order for a narcissist to be vulnerable, they themselves have to be willing to take the risk to be whole again.
To be seen is scary for them, as this is highly connected to their sense of self, and self-worth.
If you can make them lower their barriers, and be vulnerable you may be able to restore their hearts.
That is what a narcissist is, a broken heart.
A heart that has been shattered to pieces, they want love but are so afraid to be hurt again.
They will require you to bandage their egos to be whole again.
But, remember, this will require you to be emotionally stable, self-sufficient, healing their egos, etc.
They want love, they want to feel love, but they pushed it away out of fear they will be broken again.
You may have to go slowly with them, they are damaged souls, who need to learn to feel again, risk being real, and learn to love again.
Can a narcissist heal?
In my opinion, most people aren’t really narcissists, but it’s just a coping mechanism.
The very act of googling what a narcissist is reinforces the idea they are a narcissist even further.
So yes, I do believe a narcissist can heal, but they have to want to heal.
They have to admit to themselves they have things they need to improve on.
They need to realize that they need help in the first place before they can be open to changes, and receive help.
When I was in high school I believed I was a narcissist and spend my time googling everything about it.
Eventually, I grew out of that phase because that’s all it was a stage of my life.
It wasn’t who I was, it was just something I was going through.
But, a real narcissist? I think there is very little you can do to help them.
Is the relationship worth it?
Personally, I wouldn’t waste my time and energy with these types of people because they are very draining.
I will be friendly, and understanding to these types of people, but it isn’t my responsibility to heal them as I can’t force them to heal. But, I will do what I can to help them open their hearts, learn to see the beauty in who they are and appreciate themselves. By doing this, they may be able to form genuine relationships.
If you are not a strong person they will destroy your soul, and make you as broken as they are.
Really only do this if you are up to the task and aware of the risk.
It requires great character, and a compassionate person to handle a narcissist.
Ultimately, the choice is yours, just try to understand what you are fully getting into because it’s going to feel like work in of itself.
If you are emotionally stable, self-sufficient, willing to heal their ego(and heart), patient, etc. then there is a chance you can make the relationship with the narcissist work or at the very least smoothen it.