How To Date Someone Who Is Emotionally Unavailable
This article is for you if you are dating someone who is emotionally unavailable or avoidant type.
Emotionally Unavailable people are very tricky to deal with especially in the early stages because you are not sure what you are getting yourself into just yet. It would be way easier if they came with a warning sign or a label saying this relationship is going to take months before we are a serious relationship.
Emotionally unavailable people usually come from a background of pains, traumas, suffering, embeshment, etc. Meaning they do not know how to be in a healthy relationship. A lot of times they have been abused, addicted to drugs, addicted to sex, and all different types of addictions.
Why? Because, somewhere in their life their desire of LOVE was betrayed. Meaning, they wanted very badly to get love, but was disappointed on numerous occasions. And when this happens ones’ emotional bank runs dry, because they do not expect a positive benefit. And because they don’t believe in love, they have a storage or energy being channeled for love because that storage has been depleted and been shut down.
Often times, this happens in very early stage of development whether it be bad parenting, bad environment, bad friends, or whatever. Something happen to cause someone to stop believing in love which shut down their ability to express.
As one gets older this is very common to notice in older people because the older you get the more bitter you get and the more negative experiences you collect in life. Naturally, what this does is create a “negative association” to whatever it is desire. Even if it is something you truly desire.
For example, this can be seen with women not wanting kids. Because, society deems women wanting kids as women-like some people actually shut this down. If a women has too many failed relationships she will think all men are pigs. If a women has too many failed marriages she will think marriage is pointless or men are evil.
None of these are actually “truths” these are just subjective experiences she picks up along her life which becomes her truth.
Even when a women really wants to marry she may be resistant to the fact because of her life history which will kill her desire. Even when a women loves kids she will stop feeling happy good feelings towards kids because of what happened to her in the past.
With these types of people you need to have understanding, patience, and compassion. They require you to go slowly and not expect anything. I just wish they came with a warning sign at the very least, so you would know what you are getting into…
Because, they are starved emotionally they do not have enough space to give their partner positive emotions because they are still in “recovery” mode. And will take energy from their partner without being able to give back.
Now, it’s important if you are the giver in this situation to understand this, she needs this positive energy to recover. Of course, you do this only if you love this person and you are willing to go through the process of helping them recover. Because, in today’s world you could just date someone else, right. This is for the rare case you LOVE someone who falls under this category and you want to stay in the relationship.
You have to be patient with these people. It is very much like raising a baby. You have to baby them a little at first, give them plenty of time. Give them plenty of room to grow. And it’s important you have zero or no expectation from them. Otherwise, it won’t work. With these types of people “time” works a bit different. One day a week of socializing is plenty. And you will need to busy yourself. You will need to juggle between “loving” them and then going on doing your life because it won’t work.
They need plenty of time and space because they have been abused and emotionally starved for too long. This means if you love this person you have to be patient with them as they heal. Remember have very little expectation from them. Do something, without any sort of expectation. Don’t expect a phone call or a text back. Don’t expect them to reach to you until they are completely ready or safe to express themselves.
And you, have to be ok with this. Once you understand this and accept this you will go about your life and do your own thing while still being in this relationship and know how to manage your time better. The issue is in the beginning when you are excited and you think this is going to be a normal relationship. This is very similar to dating a very introverted person who needs time to think before making any sort of decision. I am not judging because I am very introverted myself, but, I can also turn it on and be extroverted on the need basis(definitely not like most extroverts).
Just be patient with them, have very little expectation from them and let them get comfortable with you. Try not to be disappointed in the beginning when they do not reciprocate your positive intentions because it’s not personal. They are still growing comfortable in the new situation and need time to heal emotionally.
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